i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
