I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
