and my herpes radar will keep us safe
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
