I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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