Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
