I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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