I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
