dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
