Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
