so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
