You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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