Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I party with great urgency now.
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