Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
no, he came in my armpit
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
