Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
