when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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