Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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