just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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