dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
