My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
