yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
