my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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