I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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