plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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