I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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