This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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