he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
