This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize