So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
