wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
