best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
