look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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