Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
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