my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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