Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
