I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
