I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
