My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
When are your genitals available?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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