Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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