I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
birth control should be required to get into college
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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