Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
