His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
