im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
