Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
