She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
