Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
