Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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