my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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