I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
