So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
