How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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