Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
