so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
