I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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