The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
