I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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