yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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