summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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