Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
